7 idiotic things I said before becoming a parent

7 idiotic things I said before becoming a parent

humble pieBefore I had kids I really thought I had a clue about having kids. I made sweeping judgements. I made ridiculous statements (particularly to my long-suffering sister). I promised I would never do XYZ when I became a parent. Which you should never, ever do, because then you’re invariably forced to eat humble pie in a public forum. Like your blog.

1. “There is no way the baby will be in our bed. No siree.”
Was I on crack? Co-sleeping has been the only way I’ve survived the past year, especially during teething or developmental leaps. Of course I would rather Charlie is in his cot so I don’t have to sleep with a little person trying to kick my caesarean scar open on a nightly basis, but I’m not going to pretzel myself worrying about it (yet). There’ll be time for that when he’s 15 and our marriage is over. Yes I am joking.

2. “The baby will fit in with our life, rather than the other way round.”
A statement uttered by 99 percent of first-time parents, I’d wager, but you quickly realise just how idiotic you were when you’re sitting in your local burrito bar at 5pm wolfing down whatever you can before your baby cracks the almighty shits (literally and figuratively speaking) and forces you to leave without any dinner.

3. “We are definitely doing controlled crying!”
Mr Chick was dead against it and my sister tried to talk me out of it. But it took Charlie actually being born for me to change my tune, become a huge sooky la-la and decide on reflection I was happy to go and put his dummy back in 57 times a night. (On that note I also said there would be NO dummy, and look how well that one worked out.)

4. “We’ll have babysitters on standby and go out weekly as a couple to keep our relationship healthy.”
Not an idiotic statement, on reflection. Quite smart actually. Just bloody impossible.

5. “We’ll still travel EVERYWHERE! We’ll just strap the baby to our backs and go!”
Definitely on crack. I hadn’t realised how much I’d want to get my head around parenthood before tackling long-haul travel.

Friday Frolics6. “I will NOT let myself go. I’ll get my hair cut every couple of months!”
Ha. My hair routine involves combing my fingers through my once shiny, well-kept mane several times a day, only to find bits stuck together with foodstuffs Charlie has sneakily wiped into my hair with his fat, sticky fingers. Usually banana, bolognaise or porridge.

7. “Why on earth are those parents pushing a pram and carrying their baby? Weird.”
You only need to go through one ‘I hate the pram’ stage to understand this one. You bring it anyway, in the hope he’ll sit in it some of the time and save your back. But you just end up carrying him and pushing the pram one-handed, which invariably means half the time you’re steering it into a tree.

Did you make any sweeping statements / assumptions about parenthood before you became a parent?

Journalist. New mama. Mr Chick's missus. Blogger at The Mama Files, Reality Chick, Letter To My Ex and Rachel's List. Author of sex advice book, Get Lucky. Writer for Good Health, CLEO, Woman's Day, Inside Out, NineMSN and many more. Current fantasy: adding a rooftop hot-tub to the house.

20 Comments

  1. Yes, all of the above. Also ‘I’ll never give my baby sugar’ and ‘I’ll never let my baby watch TV’ -Aye right on both counts.

    #fridayfrolics

    • Author
      Rachel 2 years ago

      Oh yes. The TV one. I won’t reveal how often it doubles as the babysitter in this house. Ahem. 🙂

      As for sugar, well I tried, but I have turned my back at mother’s group to find Charlie stuffing his face with cake AND chocolate croissants before, which blew that one outta the water…

  2. Kelly 2 years ago

    Haha! I said most of these too. Especially the one about the baby fitting in with our lives. That is the stupidest thing I have ever said, in my life. I suppose we were all so innocent and naive before we had children. So very naive. #FridayFrolics xo

    • Author
      Rachel 2 years ago

      I think you say it as sort of a desperate, ‘we’ll be okay, we’ll still have the life we always had’ reassurance to one another and a kind of ‘we will be in charge’, knowing full well you’re screwed and your life will never be the same again and you’ll never again be in charge once bubba arrives. In a good way, of course 😉 xo

  3. Silly Mummy 2 years ago

    Haha – yes! I definitely did number 7! In fact I had a massive rant at a Christmas festival about all the people doing that – the festival is very crowded & I just thought why didn’t they leave the pushchairs if weren’t going to use. Yes, so the next year, taking baby in pushchair (cos obviously not carrying her all day – she’s heavy!), have horrifying realisation that she will cry & I will become one of THOSE people! Now I have two so I can hope one will at least always be in there justifying its presence! #fridayfrolics

    • Author
      Rachel 2 years ago

      The GREAT thing about the ‘I hate the pram’ stage (if there is any kind of silver lining whatsoever) is that the pram can carry all your other crap. Bags, jackets, shopping, bottles, change mat, nappies etc. It just becomes like a giant trolley. While one of you is still having to put your back out lugging the baby, that is 🙂

  4. Orana Velarde 2 years ago

    I will never give the kid a pacifier… Two of my kids never wanted one, on the third kid I bought her five different kinds, she wouldn’t have it. I just needed some booby breaks!

  5. Orana Velarde 2 years ago

    oh! #fridayfrolics

    • Author
      Rachel 2 years ago

      Well, I have to say the pacifier / dummy has SAVED MY LIFE 🙂 Thanks for dropping by Orana!

  6. Esther 2 years ago

    I used to say I would not creep around while baby is sleeping, thereby forcing them to get used to our everyday living sounds. Now I won’t even flush the toilet when the baby sleeps.

    And .. I will always wear make-up, do my hair and not wear track pants in public. I have failed on all counts.

    • Author
      Rachel 2 years ago

      Oh that’s a GREAT one! I remember when Charlie was only a few weeks old and we used to have the TV so low we had to strain to hear it. Lucky that a) those days are over and b) the loo is far enough away from him that we can flush it!!!
      PS. Tracksuit pants are my LIFE.

  7. How stupid we were! Great post. Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

    • Author
      Rachel 2 years ago

      Thanks for hosting Claire and popping by! XO

  8. All so very true! Particularly the life carrying on as before nonsense — not a chance!! ~Jennifer via #FridayFrolics

    • Author
      Rachel 2 years ago

      Yup, that one seems to resonate with people a lot, haha! Lot of parents-t0-be living in denial out there, Jennifer 🙂

  9. Helen 2 years ago

    All of these are 100% true. Also I remember thinking i would still go out on lots of girls nights. For my last girls night with my mummy friends, we went round someone’s house in our pyjamas. I don’t believe I brushed my hair for his event, and I’m fairly sure it had some food in it. Great post #fridayfrolics

    • Author

      Haha love it Helen! I have given up on having hair that is food-free. Sad state of affairs 🙂

      I went on a girl’s night with my mother’s group the other night. It was fab, but I was home by 9pm – me and one of the other ‘geriatric’ older mothers walked home together while the others partied on til the wee hours. I was glad of no hangover 🙂

  10. Ah, the blissful ignorance before you become a parent. Haha, number 7 made me laugh – we have to do that all of the time because the little one decides she’s had enough of being in there. Babies eh!

    • Author
      Rachel 2 years ago

      I hear ya Dave. I mean, who wouldn’t LOVE to be tucked up in a warm pram being pushed around and handed rusks to eat. Honestly, the ungratefulness 😉

  11. Loved this! All so true. We also thought that stupidly, the baby’s sleep would have to fit in around whatever we were doing. Oh so wrong. It got to the point after being insanely sleep deprived that I wouldn’t even walk down the hallway to near where the baby’s room was once he had miraculously fallen asleep. Need something from our room? Too bad, wait until the baby wakes. You wake him, you take him 🙂

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