UP THE DUFF Week 26: The big elephant in the room.

UP THE DUFF Week 26: The big elephant in the room.

up the duff wed week 26

I feel a bit elephantine this week. I huff. I puff. I can’t get off the floor unaided. I even held onto the back of Mr Chick’s jeans while he dragged me up a staircase at Wagaya Tapas the other day.

We laughed about it but I’m realising fast that pregnancy is increasingly about the loss of dignity – and the secrets you once held dear. Like how much you weigh. I used to make deals with the devil before weighing myself which was ALWAYS under the same conditions: a) post-loo, b) buck naked and c) Friday morning. Now I’m having to deal with the ridiculous prospect of a weigh-in whenever an authoritarian medico demands it and, as luck would have it, it’s always right after I have stuffed my face.

The How Porky Are You Today game is the latest in a long line of pregnancy tests I’ve endured that are super easy to fail. If you want to play, all you need is a scale, a disapproving midwife / GP / obstetrician, and your yellow baby card to record the evidence.

At 19 weeks, I was feeling decidedly smug about my 7kg gain. At nearly halfway, I figured if 15kg is a good overall gain, I’m on track. Yay! Not so fast, said my GP. “It’s too much for 19 weeks – you put on most weight in the last trimester,” she warned. Translation: Keep doing what you’re doing and at 40 weeks you will be the size of a small apartment block. This week the bastard scales told me I’d porked on another 4kg. My GP didn’t say anything, but the midwives (who also weighed me a few weeks ago) are super chilled. They’re like, ‘Ack, everyone’s different. You’re AOK sister!’ I frigging LOVE those midwives.

Of course, with such mixed messages from the medical establishment, I did what any self-respecting woman would: demanded that two of my dearest friends tell me honestly how fat I’ve become. Naturally, I chose the two people who have seen me in tight lycra more times than they probably ever wanted to: my gym buddy and my trainer. Both kindly reported fibbed that I don’t look like I’ve stacked it on much at all, apart from the basketball out front and the gargantuan, ever-growing boobs. (I can’t believe I ever thought my pre-pregnancy double-Ds were big. I must have been insane.)

That said, I’m freaking out less than I thought I might. The bubba’s kicking along happily in his little watery home, which is the main thing – and I’m managing to remain relatively Zen about my size, which is easy so long as I avoid mirrors and all photos are taken from a great height.

horseyDid you worry about weight gain when pregnant? Or did you revel in your curves and the chance to eat for two? A few weeks ago I told my friend Mrs Hanksy that I would quite like to remain THIS current size and she laughed before snorting, ‘Yeah, good luck with that’. 

Journalist. New mama. Mr Chick's missus. Blogger at The Mama Files, Reality Chick, Letter To My Ex and Rachel's List. Author of sex advice book, Get Lucky. Writer for Good Health, CLEO, Woman's Day, Inside Out, NineMSN and many more. Current fantasy: adding a rooftop hot-tub to the house.


  1. Aran 10 years ago

    I just LOVED having a legitimate excuse for having a belly – no fretting about having to suck my guts in, or weirdness about how unattractive I would feel if my tummy ever protruded more than my chest (which it never did by the way, but my ex had given me a huge conscience about it as he and his friends had a rule that every woman was shag-able, unless her guts were bigger than her knockers (yes, he and his mates were all class)).

    Check out http://www.upworthy.com/this-photograph-sparked-mothers-to-show-us-what-their-post-baby-bodies-really-look-like. This is real beauty. Every single woman photographed has a magical element – the look of love in her eyes, which is priceless. Who cares about either a) being a pregnant porker or b) thinking you are a pregnant porker when you’re actually not (you fit into this category, Rach!) when this is what you get as a result!


  2. Author

    Thanks gorgeous one… I LOVE that! I’d seen versions of it before, but not that video. So amazing.

    And actually, I am enjoying the belly. The bigger I get the more I contemplate a photo shoot 🙂 xxx

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