I’m at the pointy end of pregnancy and by that I mean something big is pointing south. Dr Sharon tells me it’s the chicklet’s massive head. He should be the same measurement in centimetres as I am in weeks but when I was week 34 he was 36cm. (I don’t like to think about what that means, but let’s just say I am researching labour drug options with great interest.)
In other news, I’ve given up on trying to act normal in public. Because when your unborn child punches you in the hoo-ha it’s pretty hard not to yell ‘Argh FFS what the devil was that’ while rocking unceremoniously over someone’s front fence in agony.
I Googled ‘my unborn baby punched me in the muffin’ and it seems I am not alone. Some women are in BED at this stage of their pregnancy because of hoo-ha pain. Honestly, the important pregnancy-related things that no one bothers to tell you.
When the muffin punch occurred the other night during a particularly nail-biting challenge on Masterchef, I nearly fell off the couch. Mr Chick asked if I might go into labour. I said no, but what the hell do I know? It’s the blind leading the blind around here. To his credit, he did give the chicklet a talking-to through the bump, something along the lines of, ‘Son, stop punching your mother in her lady garden’. He was giggling at the time so I’m not sure it sent quite the right message.
I have taken to putting a guided meditation on in the mornings on my iPad and positioning it near the bump in the hopes the chicklet will chill out. He just kicks even more when he hears the Simply Being woman’s dulcet tones telling him to go to his happy place.
The muffin punch is actually far worse than when he (the chicklet, not Mr Chick) decided to set up camp for an entire day in my right side. Seriously, that time it felt like I was growing a small watermelon on my hip. I was walking lopsided for hours. We tried everything to dislodge him and can I say, sex can come in very handy in the third trimester. Even if it is an exercise in laughing and Twister-style futility.
Meanwhile, the much-used heat pack is proving super handy for hoo ha pain. Who knew?